One day I went to the zoo .I first went to the giraffe enclosure and there was a pink giraffe . Then a lion started to roar .The giraffe started to panic and run around then the giraffe sang a violent and painful noise .The the zookeeper's come rushing in and decided to shut up the lion . then they hop in with the muzzle and started chasing after the lion eventually it started to get dusty till the zookeepers could not see then the the lion pounced on a zookeeper . Now there's a battle and out of nowhere they had caught the lion .
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I really liked . . . because . . .
I really liked the way you . . .
I enjoyed reading this because . . .
It was especially good when you . . . because . . .
I think you need to . . . because . . .
Next time you write . . .
Think about adding . . .
Have you thought about . . .
To improve your . . . try . . .
Perhaps you could . . .