As i rose from my deep deep sleep i ran down stairs it's Christmas i happily ran along to my parents room jumped on there bed like a drill hammer and yelled its Christmas its Christmas i just realized i was late to open my presents my brother had already opened his i excitedly ran to mine and thought there is only one but when i opened it was a pink scooter with transparent wheels i screamed thank you so much and rode it down the hallway that was my Christmas.
Monday, May 27, 2019
100WC - Week #32 - Olivia Richards
As i rose from my deep deep sleep i ran down stairs it's Christmas i happily ran along to my parents room jumped on there bed like a drill hammer and yelled its Christmas its Christmas i just realized i was late to open my presents my brother had already opened his i excitedly ran to mine and thought there is only one but when i opened it was a pink scooter with transparent wheels i screamed thank you so much and rode it down the hallway that was my Christmas.
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I love the enthusiasm in this piece of writing Olivia, particularly the description of jumping on your parents bed. Like a drill hammer indeed!
ReplyDeleteI counted nine sentences here, but to read it, there is only one. Try to include all the required punctuation won't you.
Thanks for sharing,
Jackie (Team 100WC)
New Plymouth
Hi Olivia.
ReplyDeleteWell done on this 100 word story. Thank you for putting in the effort so we readers have something exciting to read! I liked the way you used these prompt words, but I agree with Jackie who has commented above that your use of a simile ("like a drill hammer") really stands out as a great bit of writing on your part. I would definitely try and include more of these in your future writing as it makes it very interesting to read and really helps the reader imagine the scene.
If I had an "even better if..." for your story it would be to include some punctuation. Your teacher can help you with this. It will make it much easier to understand your story if it has some full stops!
Nevertheless, it is an interesting use of the prompt and really puts me in mind of all those lovely Christmas mornings. I had a scooter for Christmas myself once!
Keep on writing Olivia!
Ana, Team 100WC, Oxford, England