“Bang, crack,
meowww, creeeak.” I couldn’t go to sleep, all I could hear was the meowing of the
cats and the creaks of the house. Suddenly a bang! cleared my mind, I had to
find out what was going on, I slowly pulled back the covers grabbed a torch and tiptoed over
to the back door.
The garage was dark as I quietly
turned the light on, I jumped scared until I realised that the big lump of fur
was just my dog Dusty. I walked quietly outside, maybe it was just the lambs I
thought to myself. Suddenly a noise startled me I
heard them before I saw them the lambs were just playing around and
bunting the shed, now that was what the noises were, I sighed. Suddenly
footsteps made me look behind me, oh no, my mum was running toward me, now I
was in big trouble…….
Hi Brooke! I really enjoyed your story.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, well done on your imaginative use of this weeks prompt. It was very interesting and a quite different kind of story to others I have read.
I really enjoyed how you started your story with some onomatopoeia - words that are written to represent the sound that they describe e.g. "crack". This was really exciting and go me instantly interested in what was going on, especially as you put them in italics to make them really stand out.
I also enjoyed how you write in a way that is very clear and easy to understand. This is partly because you are good at using some punctuation (well done!) but also because you described both what your character was doing and what she was thinking.
Finally, I also really enjoyed your cliffhanger ending, with an angry mum rushing out!
Next time you write, I think you should ask your teacher about some special punctuation rules. For example, when we use an ellipse (your "......" at the end, we would usually only use 3 dots (...). Of course, if you think more dots helps the effect, you can choose to do that! Some famous writers like Lemony Snicket for example bend these kind of rules to make their stories more fun to read :)
Thanks so much for writing such a fun to read story. Keep on writing!
Ana, Oxford UK, Team100